Our holiday season runs from my wife’s birthday (before Thanksgiving) until Valentine’s Day.  This period provides little time, but ample fodder, for blogging.  How so?  Not long after her birthday, someone asked my wife and I what we wanted for Christmas.  “We” decided that it was time for some new bath towels.  Oh boy!  Aside from being a gift that keeps on giving, bath towels hold a special meaning in the Fusselman house.  In our own weird way, they’re actually a barometer of how our marriage is doing.  Allow me to explain.

We try to match our towels, and since there isn’t a set “rotate” day, one of us usually switches them when it’s time.  This rings true UNLESS said spouse is unhappy with the other.  In these unfortunate situations, Helpmate A will change their towel whist leaving Helpmate B to revel in their mismatched shame a while longer.  Decor aside, trust me when I say that you don’t want different colored towels.

It’s not crazy to assume, with the Days of New Year and Valentine having recently passed, that many a lovesick couple are now engaged.  Countless more betrotheds plan to take the plunge this year.  And still even more folks are chugging along in holy matrimony, doing what they can to make it work.  Thus it seems fitting, with new linens in tow, that I share some ideas on how to keep your towels the same color.

I try to make this blog somewhat worth reading, so I left out obvious basics like communication, honesty, and fidelity.  Furthermore, we should all understand that occupations, health conditions, and other limitations apply.  These are general guidelines.  So in no particular order, here are ten things I’ve found helpful in making marriage work for the past ten years.  A Marriage Manifesto, if you will:

1. Get over yourself. You’re really not that cool, smart, or good looking – and your partner knows it.  In marriage, you’re sharing your life with someone.  What’s that mean?  It’s not about you anymore.  Go ahead… name one lasting, worthwhile endeavor that doesn’t involve sacrifice.  Or flip it around.  Name one negative, destructive thing a person can do that isn’t selfish in nature.  Get it?  Stop thinking you’re God’s gift to something and realize that your spouse is God’s gift to you.

2a. Get over family and friends. When it comes to your f&f, nothing needs to change.  Just remember that your spouse is numero uno.  Put, and keep, them in that position.  For their f&f, try to respect them.  Your spouse is different than you, and that’s a good thing.  Their peeps made them that way.  So appreciate the diversity and don’t assume your crew is better because they’re different.  Different is different, nothing else.  Few things bring strife faster than insulting someone’s family/friends.

2b. Speaking of insults… Don’t talk bad about your spouse to others, and don’t let others talk bad about your spouse.   It’s tempting and can seem well-intended.  Seeking help or comfort?  By all means, talk away.  But complaining is different.  The person you’re badmouthing with won’t suffer one iota if your marriage does.  This is like intentionally planting weeds in your rose garden.  Who does that?  Sow good seed for your marriage – and pull the weeds when they spring up.

3. Find common ground – and build on it. This isn’t “we both like jazz.”  It is invaluable to share the most important things in life with your companion.  Things like:  reasons for marriage, roles, family expansion, and general life purpose are foundational pieces of your relationship that need to be level.  If they’re unbalanced, you’re constructing a shaky marriage.  The Tower of Pisa was straight when they built it.  But time wore on a weak foundation and made it lean.  Same goes for your marriage.

4. Spend time together. I had roommates in college.  By default, we spent a lot of time with each other.  Your spouse is more than a roommate, so spend more than the “default” time together.  Do stuff.  Play games.  Go out to dinner and actually speak to one another (put your phone down).  Go on adventures.  You don’t need matching sweat suits and a tandem bicycle.  Just make an effort to hang out.

5. Give each other space. My wife likes to read quietly and I enjoy movies where things get blown up.  It works.  Encourage and support your lover both as an individual and in the things they like.  Two are becoming one – that’s a tall order.  You’re sharing everything from cars to commodes.  It’s OK, and advisable, to give your covenant partner some space.  The key is to find the right balance between #4 and #5.  But hey, you have the rest of your life to figure it out.

6. Go to bed together. I can’t oversell the importance of this simple task.  It’s like the WD-40 of marriage.  Cheap, easy, and often overlooked, yet it can fix a myriad of problems and prevent many more.   This very well could be the best tweak for a struggling marriage.  Do what you do to unwind, but try to finish at the same time your spouse does and just be together in bed.  While you’re at it…

7. Do things in bed that married people do. You know, like sex.  It’s fine to talk about in this context.  God invented it, and it’s often referred to as “the glue that holds marriage together.”  Making love is terrific AND it helps your marriage.  That’s like eating cheesecake to lose weight.  However, it’s not a weapon for manipulation or punishment.  Likewise, it’s neither a duty nor a chore.  It is a gift that can be unwrapped any number of ways.  Sex is the Nike of marriage:  just do it.

8. Know your weaknesses – and share them with the love of your life.  Addiction?  Fear?  Anger?  Congratulations, Skippy.  You’ve got a lifelong advocate to help out.  So be open about your struggles and help your partner with theirs.  Your weaknesses are either going to hurt your marriage or strengthen it.  As big Tom Callahan once said, “There ain’t no third direction.”  Choose the latter.

9. Learn how to fight. In marriage, we’re sharing our “I’m always right” universe with someone else’s “I’m always right” universe.  Translation:  you’re going to disagree often.  So do yourself a favor and learn how to constructively argue.  If your goal in a fight is to win, you probably aren’t ready to be married.  Your goal should be to end it – quickly and peacefully.  The sooner you learn to choose your battles, the better.  Need help?  See #1.

10. Be the right person. There was a professor in college who would randomly interrupt Science lectures and give marriage advice.  I don’t have much on Quantum theory, but I do recall this gem:  “Marriage isn’t so much about finding the right person as it is about being the right person.”  Stop worrying about who your spouse is/isn’t and work on improving yourself.  Be the person that will make your partner want to be great.  Rumor has it this mindset is contagious.

I would be remiss for failing to mention the tried and true adage, “If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.”  Is your marriage good/happy/fulfilling, but you go to bed at different times?  That’s great!  One of the toughest challenges in marriage is finding an equilibrium that works for both parties.  When you find it, cherish it.  But life – and your spouse – is going to change, and so will the ingredients for marriage nirvana.  There’s no need to switch out a clean towel, but keeping them the same color is going to take some effort.